Healing With Faiyth

I remember while you were in hospital the nurses telling me “I really think he’s holding on till your birthday. He keeps saying he wants to make it home for you. You should let him know that it’s ok if he doesn’t and it’s ok to let go, cause he’s really holding on.”

I refused.

Because inside me I knew if I said those words to you, you would.

You came home the day before my birthday.
You spent my 30th birthday with me.
And you stayed for another 9 days.

Maybe I was selfish.
Maybe I just wasn’t ready.
Maybe no amount of time would ever have been enough.

But I got those 9 extra days with you.

And now here I am, one year later, spending my 31st birthday at your urupā.

What a difference a year can make.

I miss you, my love. 🤍

Hari huritau my Dreamy girl 🤍

Through grief and heartbreak, through all the changes this past year has brought. YOU my beautiful child have still found ways to laugh, grow, love and be completely you.

I hope you always know how deeply loved you are, Dream.

Happy 7th Birthday 🫶🏽

I posted this to TikTok a whole year ago.

“I’m grieving someone whose heart still beats.”

I had no idea that just 12 days later, it wouldn’t.

I remember thinking this was unbearable. Watching the person I loved still be here but slowly losing himself to cancer. Grieving him while I could still touch him, talk to him, sit beside him.

Then came the grief I was desperately trying to prepare myself for only to learn there was never going to be any preparing for it.

Almost a year later and this video feels like another lifetime.

I would give anything to go back to the grief I thought I couldn’t survive because at least his heart was still beating. 🤍

You are so missed my love 🫶🏽
I’ll never understand why, but I’ll always understand why losing you hurts this much.
**kcancer

Celebrating you a little different.
We love you. 🫶🏽

One of the questions I’ve been asked the most is whether we knew about his cancer before we got married.

The answer is yes.

I found this video a couple nights ago and remember it so vividly. There was this feeling that came over me, something both him and I were avoiding saying out loud.

We were lying in bed when I asked if we should take money out of the trust. He asked why, and I said reluctantly, “to help prepare for funeral costs.”

It wasn’t random. We’d organised everything from the moment we found out his diagnosis. But that night, there was this gut feeling… almost like a shift in energy.

He looked at me and said exactly this, “Yeah babe, I don’t feel like I have long.”

I wasn’t ready to hear that. He’d been so positive through everything. But that’s when I realised he knew his body better than I did. He just didn’t want to worry me.

We cried that night. I remember pulling out my phone to record him hugging me. I think it was our last proper hug before his body became weak.

18 days later, he spread his wings 🕊️

Birthday prep looks a little different these days. It’s part excitement and part heartbreak but if there’s one thing I’ll always do, it’s make sure our babies still feel celebrated.
Core memories don’t make themselves. 🎀

Te Mātahi o Te Tau ✨

One of our favourite times of the year, and one of my kids favourite memories with their daddy.

Yesterday we attended a hautapu at TWOM. It was beautiful watching my kids experience something different to what our usual Matariki looks like while we still hold close the traditions we’ve created as a whānau and will continue to carry on each year.